slavetrain

My dearest Master,

Thank you for everything you have done for me.  Thank you for understanding both why I needed pain and why it took me so long for me to tell you.  I promise, I will try to tell you when I need it in the future.  Thank you for understand all the things I've revealed to you in the last month.  You've taken it all with understanding, comfort and love...and I cannot express how much I appreciate that. 

Lol. thank you for trying to find a girl. That was very sweet and the fact that you took it upon yourself was wonderful. Took away my fears that if something about like that should happen, that I would be forcing you into something you didn't want to do. 

I love you, my darling. 

Something wonderful happened last night.  Master and I opened up and told each other something very personal and important.  I'm not saying what it is, because, honestly, I'm a little emotionally tapped out and I want to keep it to myself right now.  It feels too important and personal to say just yet. 

But, he gave me my collar last night, in light of what we both said.  It's a mark of commitment and love.  It's a strangely welcome feeling on my neck. It reminds me, even now, as I'm a little fragile and angry, to remember that he loves me and wants to own me.  That I'm his and there is something amazingly comforting about that. 

Oh, my collar looks nearly exactly like the one in the user pic.

I had a wonderful night two nights ago.  We lanned with E and Chuck.  It was lots of fun.  

When we got back to Master's house, he allowed me to use the bathroom and brush my teeth.  He had put a blanket down on the floor and told me to get on my hands and knees on the blanket.  What followed, was possibly the longest/hardest spanking/flogging I've ever gotten from him.  He started with his hand, then the riding crop and then the leather flogger.  During this, at random moments, he'd put his foot on my back. If I had to guess how long it took, probably about a half hour.  It was the strangest thing, I was sobbing but there were no tears.  Never really had that happen.  

I can't really give details on the sex because, honestly, I was so sub-spaced at that point that it's a haze.  It was wonderful, I can tell you that!  Usually, after Master comes, we take a break before we go back.  This time, he held me and stroked me but never withdrew and then, just started going again.  

For some random reason, I got a stomach ache.  Damn thing took me out of sub-space. :(  
Then, we made love.  Neither of us expected to have sex again, but we had been talking. I was telling him how much I appreciate how he treats me as a slave and I guess the emotions got to us.  

When we woke up the next day, he had a package in the mail.  I knew he had ordered my collar not too long ago. He plans on giving it to me on our one year anniversary.  His dad made a joke about him getting a shock collar.  (the package SAID collar on it.)  He opened it and it looked SO SMALL! I didn't think it would fit, it looked like a large bracelet.  So, we put it around my neck, just to make sure it would fit. It fits perfectly.  ...but then, he took it back. I know that it wasn't the right time or the proper way to collar me, but I didn't want to take it off.

While writing in my RL journal, I realized that the last time Master and I talked about collars was when my former wanted to get me one and the meaning of my formers was one way and the meaning of my current Master's collar would be another.  That's changed SO much.  My Master now...the collar he gives me, I wanted it to have certain meanings that I knew I needed to talk to him, to see if it was right.  So, I asked. I didn't tell him what I had wanted it to mean, just asked him what it meant to him.  He said exactly what I wanted.  I'm so happy.  

Master told me to write an entry.  Honestly, I am unsure of what to write.  Not much has been going on in the M/s way of life lately.  Most things that are worth posting happen during sex and I haven't been able to because sex would rip my leg wound open. 

Master took me out to dinner the other day.  I pointed out a dish that looked good to me but I was unsure about the price.  He ordered it for me.  I'm kinda glad of that.  I did want that particular dish and the only thing holding me back from it was price.  I *hate* people spending lots of money on me and I have a hard time with gifts.  Master enjoys splurging and indulging his girl, so I am going to have to get used to it, for his enjoyment.  After, we talked about my hardship with gifts and indulgences. I made a semi-serious joke about my last Master and the joke we had about us trading sex for him getting me food and smokes.  Somehow, that reasoning made it easier for me to accept gifts.  Because *I* was doing something to repay for his kindness. 

So, Master told me to repay him and crawled into the backseat of the car.  I ended up giving him a rather nice blowjob.  Unfortunately, I started to get a bit of a cramp in my jaw and he had to help, but not much. It was very nice. 

Today, Master indulged even more.  He got me the gifts in my other journal's entry.  I got a hoody, jammie pants, a new headset and ice cream.  It seems like so much money spent on me and makes me uncomfortable.  I mean, I love what I got and I appreciate it all but I just feel like I should DO something in return.  A gift deserves a gift...I guess.  I don't know how to resolve this in myself.  Particularly, I think I don't believe I'm worthy of gifts.  But it's something Master genuinely enjoys doing. 

I think that to resolve this in me, I might just have to, for a time, say that I won't say, "Noo, that's too much," simply because I know it pleases him to do it and I want to please him.  While I'm doing that, I'm going to try to not think so lowly of myself that I think I don't deserve a bit of romance or indulgence.

...this entry seems so lame.

My dearest Master,

I cannot thank you enough for everything you've did for me last night.  You were amazing.  When I was nervous, you calmed me and went slowly.  Somehow, you knew how much I needed to feel that hunger from you and you showed me how very much you want me.  Everything you did, was sexually and emotionally fulfilling and comforting.  I needed everything you gave me.  I thank you for that. 

As for my freak-out...  my love, you have no idea how much it meant to me how you reacted to that.  You didn't call me silly, you didn't insult the fact that I was scared. You know I have issues when it comes to revealing my mental illness.  I have great fears of abandonment and resentment.  I'm not going to say that ALL those fears have been quelled... but you've taken a huge chunk out of them.  If ever you were going to get angry at me, that would be it. If ever you were going to run away from me because it's too much, it would have been then.  Instead, you did everything you could to comfort me, to calm me. You took care of me in a way I have never experienced.  The things I do to help myself...kinda seem silly in retrospect but you didn't question the methods that make me feel better, you offered everything you could. 

Thank you. I cannot thank you enough for everything you did last night.  Thank you.

Last night, after a long bit without, Master and I made love.  We went up to his room and I immediately went for my toothbrush when he was suddenly upon me, kissing me with so much need.  Toothbrush forgotten, I returned.  He threw me on the bed, doggie style, with my feet on the floor.  He entered me roughly and took me very hard.  Soon after, he moved me to my back on the bed.  He bit me and scratched me all the while, whispering nasty things in my ear. 

I felt very good.  I felt owned and wanted.  Very wanted.  Hell, I felt needed.  I constantly question if he desires me.  Not because of him, but because of ME.  I questioned nothing about it last night. 

Then, we made love twice. I asked for a favor. I asked if he would say my name as he came.  It sounded so wonderful.  I'm still unused to how emotional I can get with making love.  It's been a very long time and I guess my emotions run wild.  I just felt so... treasured. 

There are no complaints about last night.  It was just wonderful and I get the pleasure of sitting here, with bruises on my arms and shoulders that ache oh-so-sweetly.  I love that ache.  It's the ache of a well-used slave. :)

Master,

I know that things aren't really fun right now and I'm sorry for that.  I know that when I'm sick, you're unsure what to do as a Master.  Please, know that you are doing well.  There are many ways to exert your dominance over me, even while I'm sick.  Tell me to take my medicine, to go to sleep, to shower, etc.  And if I fail to obey, put in place punishments. The punishments don't have to be a hard spanking when I get better.  You can think of creative ways, I'm sure. 

I know you tell me not to worry about it, but I do feel as if I'm failing as a slave.  I know I have no control over my body and it being ill, but I also know that you have needs.  Needs that I am not meeting. 

I want to thank you.  You are what I have always wanted and thought I could never have.  You are the duality of a boyfriend/Master that I felt was impossible to have.  There was a reason that after I left Paul, I had no boyfriends.  I felt as if commitment was a bad idea.  Eventually, I would fuck up, eventually, I would push them away.  They would resent me for being not quite right.  Also, the likelyhood  of me finding someone who could stand by me, as emotional, weak and unstable as I am and still meet my sexual needs...well, that didn't seem possible.  But you are a wonderful boyfriend and a wonderful Master.  You care about me, even while being my Master.  You know my limits. You know I would go beyond those limits if you asked and you refuse to push beyond that because I am important to you.  Never have I felt unwanted by you.  You help me work through  some of the issues that past Masters have given me. 

You are not perfect, I'm not so lovestruck that I miss your flaws.  I don't wear rose-colored glasses.  I accept you and love you. 

Master,

I've decided to use a different format for this entry. I'm writing you a letter, you see. :D Master, our last session was wonderful.  When you kissed me all over, you made me feel so loved, so treasured as your slave.  I felt as if you really felt good that you owned me.  Also, it worked wonderfully as foreplay.  It's important to me that i feel as if you own me, but also that you love what you own. Thank you for that. 

The spanking was very good.  You worked slowly into it, gradually raising the pain of the strikes.  I also very much liked the spinning of the flogger.  I told you, if felt like tiny kisses of fire all over.  I told you my one complaint about the flogger.  I was in subspace but the flogger brought me out nearly immediately.  We may need to rearrange the order of things.  The kisses of fire before full blows with the flogger might work out nicely. 

I've been thinking on one thing in particular and although it seemed such a petty complaint, I guess that I'm still thinking about it means that it's really not.  When I sounded as if I was crying, you asked me, "Are we crying?" and it sounded angry.  Like you were unhappy or displeased at my tears.  That kinda tears down my little subbie heart.  I want to please you and in subspace, that little bit of displeasure can cut me deep.  You don't have to be nice, certainly.  But, if my tears please you, let me know that.   Use your choice word to address me, whatever you feel it is and tell me that you love when I cry, or that when I cry, it turned you on. 

Although not really kinky, the last time we had sex that night, I felt was the most amazing.  I love when something breaks in us and we grasp and reach for each other.  I adore when that hunger overtakes us and we're left at it's mercy. 

Thank you, Master. Thank you for wanting to keep me.  I adore you and I appreciate how much you're willing to work with me and just the fact that you've stayed this long.  If we continue to talk through small things (and it's hard for me, sometimes) we'll be able to work through the big things and you're the first that I've been able to do that with.  I love you. Thank you.

Considering this is a new journal, I guess a sort of introduction is needed.  After about two weeks of me feeling badly and paranoid about pleasing my Master, we came to the decision to step up my training a bit.  The way I see it was that we got comfortable with the way things were but by doing that, I felt a bit... guilty about not being a better slave, about not working harder for him.  So, he made this journal for me to write my thoughts about my training.  It will probably deal with very explict sexual things but I'm not writing this for the erotic content. I have a filter on my regular journal for that.  This is about my thoughts/feelings about things.

I knew he had plans for me last night.  I was very nervous.  I've been a slave for awhile and a submissive a lot longer, but I swear I felt nervous. Maybe because I didn't know anything he was going to do. Maybe I was afraid of the pain, even though I've been craving more. I live in that odd, sad middle place where I want pain but I'm afraid of too much.  Blame my last Master for that, I suppose.

First, Master tied me up.  Nothing different. I still feel best restrained. I've written on that before. It's freeing in an ironic way.  He also gagged me.  I like being gagged. I like the feeling that I can scream and it doesn't matter in the least.  I like that bit of danger of not being able to safeword.  (I still can, just not by calling out the words.) The nipple clamps were next.  I love/hate those things.  They hurt so fucking bad but it also feels oddly good.  Master had a clever idea. He had me hold the chain that hangs between the clamps in my mouth while he was fucking me.  I couldn't arch my back or lay my head down without that chain pulling painfully. 

Also, Master was very forceful.  Gave me the impression that he was using me and didn't care how I felt.  I've been wanting him to use me, completely. I love that he actually cares about how I feel but sometimes, I want him to be so overtaken by desire/sadism that he just takes me and uses me.  He used a bit of verbal humiliation too, but I like a bit more.  I think I'm too used to the "usual" set up of a scene.

Foreplay: Flogging, whipping, verbal humiliation
Sex: bringing all the play of foreplay into the actual sex act.
Aftercare: Bringing me softly out of sub-space and cuddles and verbal reassurance.

Not that I'm complaining.  I guess I just have to unlearn some things.

I did get quite the spanking.  Hand, flogger, paddle.  Master says I take it very well.  I don't know why, but I always think to myself that it hurts so much while it's happening but as soon as the blows stop falling, I think... "Shit, I can take more." 

During the second round of sex, toward the end, he made me come for nearly five minutes straight.  It wasn't one orgasm. I don't even think that's possible.  It was a fast series.  I lost all control. I flailed (I wasn't tied up,) screamed (wasn't gagged either.)  And he took full advantage of that to use me to his own desires.

After care is very important to me.  Unfortunately, I'm a very sensitive and insecure person.  I really need that aftercare of being held, told that I'm loved, that I did well. Master does well with that.  He doesn't try to pull me out of sub-space too fast, tells me how much he cares for me, etc. 

I guess my only complaint with anything that happened last night is Master made me move and get up on all fours while I was deep in sub-space.  I could barely move.  If that was part of the scene, okay.  I guess it just might have helped me a bit to have a bit of ...verbal guidance. Something as simple as, "I know you're dizzy, but I want you to get up on your knees."  That's a petty complaint, though, in my opinion. 

All in all, I feel very confident in my Master's ability to train me. I feel safe enough, loved enough.  I feel that he WANTS to take this control over me.  That makes me feel wanted and loved. I want to be his and I want him to want to own me. And I believe he does. 

I go to bed a very, very happy slave tonight.